On a usual day at my college, I got free early when I got a message from one of the juniors whom I was guiding through for a year. I finally got a chance to meet him in real life, and I was somewhat curious about how this person might act in real life because a matter of fact that people are sometimes pretending to be someone else on the internet. But to my surprise, this dude was genuinely the same. We talked about our professional life for quiet some time and I also illustrated some of my communication skills after talking to a random couple and asking about their love life. That is hard for most people, to talk to some random person, but this I believe surely gave him a boost in talking to people confidently. We talked for quiet some time more when he finally came to his final question which fascinated me somewhat. Let me state the question here- "I am in a group of friends, and we usually operate together. We have lunch together, we play together, and we sit together in class as well. But sometimes I feel like doing something else, other than what my friends want to do. For example, when they want to go to the canteen, I might like to go to the library and study. But I am unable to do so, for I fear that I might lose them as my friends, and maybe this would look rude in their eyes. So how should I balance all this?", I answered him shortly and resolved his issue. But I don't know whether he applied it or not, because this advice isn't that easy to actually apply. We here, are going to discuss that same advice but in great detail, and let me warn you beforehand, this advice is really tough to apply, but if applied it can transform you very well. So, let's not wait for the grass to grow and jump to the main deal.
FRIENDS ARE BUT PEOPLE
How do you view the world? you might have answered that very well. But now answer this, What makes you think that the world is that way? What was that incident or person that changed this perception of the world? well, that's how thinking starts, because to understand the world, you need several pieces of evidence, not just one. Now let me ask you a new question, How do you view your friends, or maybe other relations you have with people, like how do you view your crush? How do you view your parents and your siblings? you might answer that they are really special kinds of people in my life, and they hold great value for me. But now comes the real question, What makes you think they are important? because to me, I am unknown to your friends, your family, I personally do not know who they are, this applies to any person on this planet, they do not know who your friend is, for them, they are just people, nothing more than that. But they are something special to you, surely, they would be sharing a special place in your heart, but what makes you think they would be special to anyone other than you? you cannot answer that, because deep within, you know that no matter how special they are, they are just normal People in the end. And people, make mistakes, people will also break promises, people have flaws, people will also sometimes hurt me, people will also make me happy, and, people will walk away one day. I want you to see all those you love as normal people from now on, for this article.
Now tell me, where are your old friends now? do you meet them regularly? maybe a few of them would still be there, but where are all of them now? the answer is, we all get busy as we grow. But the real answer is, that people are temporary, and things get over. They still see you as friends, and they still love you, but that friendship, or that relation, has faded away with time. Why? because they are people, just like you. That person was a normal human, just like you. You are also among people, even if you are temporary in lives of people. So, one fact, we need to face, is that people are temporary and usually fade away. This truth hurts, but this is what shall make your vision brighter, and would help you deal with people like people. Whenever your friends would be sad or distant, you will start seeing them as people, who have their own lives, and would understand that you need to focus on mine as well. You wouldn't create drama, you wouldn't mind if they are not always around you, you will understand why they are sad, and you will broaden your vision, as now you know, that they are just normal people.
Some people might say here that, we treat our friends special so that we can enjoy moments with them, so treating them like people would be completely a hostile move. Well, I do not mean to treat them in a hostile way. Here I only mean to see their actions like the actions of a normal person. For example, when they do not reply to your text on time, rather acting like a dumb ass and getting offended at that like they are bound to reply to you on time, you would rather think 'hmm, so my friend is also a person, he/she has a life, maybe they are sleeping, or doing their work, so let me just focus on my work too or be chill about it', wouldn't that be a rather mature step? Think about it a little.
MAKING BOUNDARIES
So, once you digest the fact, that all your friends and all those relations you are so concerned about are temporary and might fade away slowly some day. You will now realize what is left at the end. The answer is simple, You! in the end, it's just you who is left with yourself. Then, they are your thoughts, your experiences, and your attitude that gets you where you want to be. The correct word for this is 'self', it's you, your self which is left at the end. What have you done for your self? that is the new question. Are doing everything that would help you go where you want to go? or are you led by other people, at their will. Do you go, where they want to go, or where do you wish to go? does it make you happy? Let's give you a simple analogy, suppose you and your friends decide, that you want to watch a movie, and that movie isn't so much liked by you, maybe you hate the type of content your friends want to watch. Maybe, you do not wish to spend your time like that, it is completely your choice that you do not want to spend your time doing that, now tell me, what would you do? would you still go and watch that movie, or stay at home and watch something you like instead? If you, answered that I would go home and watch what I like, bravo, you made a tough choice but saved yourself from ruining your own mood. And if your answer was, that just for the sake of friendship, I would still go, maybe I need to bring you to the concept of boundaries.
Watching a movie, was just an example, maybe practically watching a movie is just a lighthearted activity you do with your friends. But let's bring it to a new level. Let's say you like reading books, but in your group, reading books, or studying hard is considered to be a nerd thing, or maybe a matter of laughter. Would you feel insecure about working hard and maybe act like, you don't, you are just way to cool, and quit reading, the activity you liked the most? if your honest and truthful answer is yes, then buddy, you need to make some boundaries. Doing what you like the most, is a part of your identity, leaving it for approval, is the dumbest thing to do, as it will destroy your self. And nobody wishes to do so. Why will you harm your self, for temporary approval, and that too from people, who would eventually fade away from your life at some point? doesn't seem logical. I am happy when my self is satisfied, you are happy, when your self is satisfied. It is happy when it does somthing it likes, not something that the world likes. You can do what your group does to make them satisfied with your friendship with them, but this will make you sacrifice your self bit by bit (well, not everytime, but occasionally), and when you will loose your self, you will become weak. A weak person, again seeks approval and seeking approval will make you vulnerable to manipulation and wrong influence. And that's how sadness takes over.
If you want to do something of your own, do it. Irrespective of the fact that people call you weird, or a nerd or anything, do it, because you are doing it for your self. You are doing it because it's a part of your identity. But, you might be concerned about one thing, you might want to belong in a group. And you think to belong in a group, maybe you would need to abide by those things. Well, not really, groups involve group thinking, which is technically mass thinking. We will talk about mass thinking later in some other article in great detail but for now, let's understand that collective, or mass or group thinking will take over your thoughts at some point and all the thoughts and perspective you gather about various things, would soon decay. That's also an example of how your self get's killed in this process.
Boundaries, are displayed when you enter chaos. When you are confused between what should I do, and what the group wants to do, you enter a chaos, and that's where you should show your boundaries. Showing them with respect, will secure your peace and their as well. You know better, on what you would rather like to do, other than what they would like to do. Saying no, is a tough thing, but this will secure your self. This was the toughest part to overcome, because approval is a hard thing to get free of. Whenever you feel like, that I need to belong to something, so maybe I need to sacrifice a few things which are a part of my personality, remember to say one thing, 'Fuck Approval, Hail Boundaries'.
THE REAL ONES WILL STILL LOVE YOU
"If they are your friends, they will understand your decisions, they will respect your boundaries, and will not feel offended by them," those were my last words in that advice. But I wasn't that satisfied with what I said to him. Maybe I needed to elaborate a little more. You would say, that just walking away from plans everyone made, might seem rude. Well, surely it will seem rude, and they will surely talk about you at your back on many occasions. That's the problem with people, they won't say it on your face where you are present to defend your actions, but gossip about it at your back, which makes the situation worse. But most of the time, it's just this one asshole who wants to control everything who starts this gossip. This jerk will be the only person who would make all those foolish plans, for some hidden agenda, or some reason to rule the group, which childish to be honest at one point. But, one thing to remember is that the real ones will try to put on efforts on you and try to keep the friendship going. Those are the ones you need to actually care about. If they are too led by approvals, and want to belong to the group, and hate you inspite of your individual boundaries, well fuck them. They were never really your friends. Neither are they loyal to themselves, let me tell you. When someone does things to feel belonged to somthing or someone, they kill their self, as we discussed above. And when you destroy your self, you will find yourself no where. They will run after approvals their entire time and screw their own happiness for the sake of approval.
Do not focus on these people. Try to communicate your situation as much as you can, but still, if they aren't able to understand, you can only move on to the next chapter. Never be scared of flying alone, instead feel proud of doing so, because not many have the strength to make that step. And remember, you are always dealing with people. And treat people, like people.
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